Paint The Town Pink
by Sequizurx
Summary: Roxas likes Struggling and skateboarding and loud music. He doesn't, however, like strange rainbow glov'd girls or doctors who make him buy brightly coloured paint, and especially not tall porcupine heads who seem to like HIM. [AU, AkuRoku]
1. o1:,IroningBoards

**chapterone  
ironingboards**

**---**

"I am not so sure about this, Kairi," Sora announced as the two six year olds entered the dark depths of the garage.

"Shhh!" Kairi whispered, pressing her finger to her lips in a dramatic we-are-in-a-scary-movie-exploring-haunted-mansion kind of way.

Sora's eyes widened, then he nodded extravagantly and pressed the back of his hand to his forehead and swooned.

"Oh, noooo!" he cried, with an I-am-a-feeble-princess-in-no-immediate-danger-but-you-must-come-and-save-me-anyway-oh-chivalrous-knight-ish tone to his voice.

Kairi frowned in confusion, and Sora blushed.

"I thought… that we were being… in… movies…" he mumbled, rubbing the tip of his oversized butter yellow shoe on the floor.

"Shhh!" Kairi hissed, forcing her finger to his lips again, this time pressing so hard her finger almost bent backwards.

Sora nodded eagerly, and the whole process began again.

"What are you two doing in here?" a voice echoed around the cobweb-ridden garage.

The two kids spun around quickly.

"Nothing…" Kairi replied hastily.

"Yep yep yep _nothing _nothing nothing at all!" Sora beamed, before stretching out his arms and embracing his big brother in a hug. "Roxieeeee!"

"Err…" Roxas muttered, looking down at the miniature figure clinging to him.

"Roxieeeee!" Sora repeated happily. "I haff not seen you in _ageeees!_ Where haff you _been_, Roxie?"

"Training, stupid," Roxas snapped. "Now get out of my way. You better not have messed with my skateboard."

"Roxieeeee!" Sora cried yet again, squeezing his brother with glee.

"Yeah… whatever…" Roxas scowled, peeling Sora off of him, a method that would normally require a several pliers and a crane (Sora was not one to lay off the cake), but today only took a few seconds as they both knew for a fact that there were plenty of power tools to hand. Roxas contemplated picking up a drill and waggling it in the air anyway, just to scare his younger sibling and his younger sibling's little friend as far away from him as possible.

However, seeing as there were plenty other power tools nearby, he opted not to do anything his mother might disapprove of. Tifa knew her way around a chainsaw.

"Nope nope _nope_, Roxie!" Sora replied gleefully, bouncing up and down. "Me n' Kai did not mess with your skeeeetbooooooard cuz we knows that you dun want us to mess with your skeeeetboooooooard Roxie!"

Roxas scowled at them. "Can't you go bug someone else?"

"Hehe!" Kairi giggled. "Roxas is being _silly_!"

"Go away, both of you," Roxas snarled. "I need to _train_."

"What for?" Kairi asked angelically.

"Struggle On Wheels…?" Roxas answered stupidly.

When it became clear that the two six year olds were not familiar with this annual tournament, he opted for another route.

"Skateboard," he sighed. "Skateboard. Struggle bat. Hit. Whack. Kill."

"_Kill_!" Kairi shrieked. "Oh _no_! You can't _kill _people, Roxie!"

"That is _naughty_!" Sora added. "And mummy won't be very happy!"

"If you tell her-"

"We won't tell her, Roxie!" Kairi beamed happily, then her face turned solemn. "If you let us play on your skateboard."

Roxas scowled.

"Why can't we tell her, anyway?" Sora queried. "It's not like you're _really_ going to be killing anyone, are you, Roxie?"

Part of Roxas wanted to tell his little brother that of course he wouldn't really be killing anyone, and that it was actually Leon who didn't want his son to enter the tournament, not Tifa. In fact, Leon didn't want Roxas or Sora to do anything except lean against walls with their arms folded looking all grumpy and emo like he did. It was fun for a while, but as Tifa liked to point out on a daily basis, "It does not pay the bills, Leon. Get a job you lazy bugger."

However, the other part of Roxas thought it best to lie and scare Sora away. Purely for the sake of it.

"Why yes I am," he grinned evilly. "And I will bash their tiny little heads in with my Struggle bat so that they cry out in pain and then I will steal their skateboards and sell them for lunch money, and then I will steal lunch money from other kids so that I have even _more_ lunch money, and then you'll see. _You'll see_! You'll **ALL** see!"

The eerie silence in which the two younger kids ought to have been quivering with fear and terror was instead interrupted by Sora bouncing up and down squealing, "YAY! What will you do when you have all their money? Will you buy us some _cake_?"

Roxas scowled. His devious plan (carefully and laboriously planned out in the space of thirteen seconds) was not working as it was supposed to.

"_No_!" he snapped crossly. "I will make you _into_ a cake!"

Kairi and Sora looked at him with blank and confused expressions for a moment.

"Dang," Sora remarked. "I woulda just bought my lunch."

Roxas growled loudly, then scooped his beloved skateboard up off the floor and cradled it in his arms. At least _Derek _understood how he felt. Derek was kind and nice and loving, and comforted Roxas when he was down. Derek didn't stress over things like what people thought of him, because he cared only for Roxas.

Well, Derek would do. Because Derek was a skateboard.

Kairi and Sora had discussed many times the topic of Roxas's sanity, and had parallel-parked at the conclusion that he needed to get a life.

**O --- O**

"Go Roxie!" Kairi squealed like a hyper fangirl, waving her arms around in the air. "YAY!"

"Well _done, _Roxie," Sora remarked. "Very _good_, Roxie."

Roxas glared at them. "Shut up," he snapped. "You made me lose my concentratio- OWWW!"

"Roxie!" Kairi cried, as Roxas toppled off his skateboard and rolled down the ramp backwards, scraping skin of almost every part of his body in the process. He swore fluently as he stood up.

"Are you okay, Roxie?" Sora asked with concern. "Did you hurt yourself?"

The top of the ramp was higher than Roxas himself stretched out to his full height, so he could lean against it without digging his aching back into the ledge.

"Roxie!" Kairi repeated. "Are you hurt?"

"No," Roxas grimaced, gritting his teeth. "Just get out of my way."

He pushed the two six year olds aside and stormed down the garden path to the back door of the house.

Tifa and Leon had provided well for their family. Their house was large, with pretty shutters and flowerboxes, perfectly pruned hedges and trees with neat rails fenced around them. Kairi thought it was a pretty, dainty place to live, but Sora and Roxas would rather reside somewhere more… dirt-friendly. Tifa had turned into a clean freak since Aunt Yuna had gone round for tea and stuck her nose up at all the hmm-well-I-suppose-it's-clean furniture. But that was Aunt Yuna all over. She sat with her back straight and stuck her little finger out when she drank tea. With beer she just sort of flopped over and giggled at the carpet, but the day after the New Year's Eve party nobody had had the heart to tell her that.

"Aww, that sucks, hun," Tifa sighed sympathetically, as the three kids sat in the kitchen. "Does it still hurt?"

Roxas shrugged, but that hurt him even more so he nodded instead. "Ow," he whined as an example.

Tifa pouted sadly. "If your back hurts that much, Roxie, then maybe you shouldn't compete in the Struggle On Wheels tournament," she suggested.

"No way!" Roxas exclaimed. "I'm not dropping out now! All I've been doing the past three months is training!"

"I know you have," Tifa smiled. "And I am very proud of you, but I don't think you should enter. You'll just hurt yourself even more."

"NO! It's all _their_ fault!" he shouted, pointing accusingly at the two six year olds with a menacing gleam in his eye. "They blew my concentration!"

"No we _didn't_!" Sora objected. "We didn't do nothing."

Kairi thought for a moment and Sora watched her, expecting her to back him up. "We didn't do _anything_," she corrected her friend. "Not 'nothing'. That's double negatives, Sora, didn't you know?"

"Of course I knew," Sora answered hastily, his cheeks flushing. "We did not not do anything! Nuh-uh! Nothing!"

"Well, if that's what they say happened, Roxie, maybe you just… lost your footing?" Tifa suggested.

"Me? Lose my footing?" Roxas fumed. "I don't lose my footing! Not ever! I'm a professional. Professionals _don't _lose their footing because we're so… _professional_!"

"Okay, if you say so!" Tifa chirruped, then indicated towards a warm baking tray on the kitchen table. "Would you like some cookies?"

Roxas scowled.

"Fresh out of the oven!" Tifa continued merrily. "C'mon, Roxie, you know you want some!"

Roxas glared at his mother, then promptly stormed out of the room.

"Mummy!" Sora cried, bouncing up and down, waggling a sheet of paper in the air. "Can you sign this bit of pappy-er? Its for a school trip!"

"Of course, Sora," Tifa smiled. "Cookies?"

Sora and Kairi grinned. She flashed him a glance that said, "Does she even hafta _ask_?"

Sora hadn't quite got the secret-eye-contact thing yet, so he batted his eyelashes in a way that rather unsubtly proclaimed that he was wearing too much of his mother's mascara.

**O** --- **O**

"Damn," Roxas remarked as he catapulted himself onto his bed in the typical teenage drama-queen style. The only thing missing that could've made that scene more chick-flick-y would be if he rolled over, buried his head in his pillow and cried as loudly as possible something along the lines of, "OhEricHeLeftMeHowCouldHeDOThatToMeAmIHideousOrSomethingHowWillIEverGetOverHimIDon'tKnowWhatToDoMyLifeIsOVER!"

Except that Roxas was not a girl, he was not in a chick flick movie and he did not know anybody called Eric, except Tifa's friend Ariel's ex-boyfriend Eric, the one who had a motorbike and wore tight leather trousers.

Thinking about it, crying into a pillow was probably exactly what Ariel had done when Eric dumped her. Maybe she cried so much there was a river of tears, and she could swim back to her natural habitat- the gutter. Stupid self-obsessed tramp.

Roxas gazed at the Struggle poster on his wall. There was something about the picture of the two neon blue bats clashing together that made him want to win the tournament more than anything. He had nearly won the Struggle competition the previous year, but Setzer had accidentally got his face stuck to his handy pocket mirror and got disqualified, so no one bothered to watch anymore and the competition finished. Winner undecided. This had angered young Roxas very much, so he had trained without mercy for weeks and months on end.

This year he had been training even harder, because the Struggle competition had sprouted wheels and rolled away, making it even more difficult to win- or something along those lines. Roughly translated, it meant that the contestants would have to fight each other while on skateboards, or roller skates, or anything with wheels. Plus there would be no danger of everyone leaving because Setzer left; apparently people were only going to see the fat commentator ride a full lap of the Sandlot on a unicycle.

**O** --- **O**

"I am not so sure about this, Kairi," Sora remarked for the second time that day. "What if Roxie catches us?"

"He _won't_," Kairi insisted. "We'll be quick, right?"

Sora pondered for a moment, then nodded happily. "Okay! I don't suppose he'll mind that much anyway," he agreed. "It's only a _skateboard_."

"Exactly," Kairi grinned as they jogged to the end of the garden and out of the gate. A skate park was located a few steps away. Handy, that, seeing how Roxas was obsessed with skateboarding.

"He left it here _somewhere_," Kairi murmured, peering at the tarmac spread across the floor. "_Where_?"

"My thoughts exactly," a redhead announced, leaping from the bushes.

"Whaa-" Kairi blinked.

"Axel, got it memorized?" the redhead grinned.

Sora blinked again. "Ack-sell," he repeated. "Yah, I thinks I got it!"

"Are you looking for this?" Axel asked, indicating towards the ironing board tucked under his arm.

"Nope," Sora answered. "We're looking for something for my big brother."

Axel raised an eyebrow. "Oh really?" he smirked. "So you won't mind if I throw this board in the river?"

Kairi shrugged. "Nah," she replied carelessly. "We don't really mind."

Axel frowned. "What?" he scowled. "You don't want to offer me money? Beg me to give it back?"

"Why would we want to do that?" Kairi asked. "It's not like it's _our _ironing board."

"But I thought…" Axel stared at the two kids. "You're kidding, right?"

"How d'you mean?" Sora asked. "Of course we're _kids_, like DUH!"

"Just take the damn ironing board," Axel hissed, shoving the thing at them. It clattered to the floor when neither of them snatched it up.

"What was _that_ all about?" Kairi wondered.

"I think he was holding it hostage," Sora remarked. "He seems the type."

"Yes," Kairi agreed, giggling. "But who would hold an _ironing board_ hostage?"

"I don't know," Sora answered, shrugging. He turned to the board lying mangled on the tarmac. "Shame we want a _skate_board, not an _ironing_ board, or we could take this home."

"Indeed," Kairi nodded. "But let's set about finding the skateboard first."

"Yes," Sora finished, and they wandered around the park.

"Look!" Kairi cried after a while. "A shoe!"

Sora blinked. "A _shoe_?" he repeated. "What the hell are we gonna do with a _shoe_? Who needs _shoes_?"

"People with… feet?" Kairi suggested.

Sora shook his head. Where did Kairi get all her crazy ideas?

"Here it is!" he chorused upon discovering the skateboard wedged under a bush.

"YAY!" she squealed. "Okay. You go first, and I'll push you."

"Push me?" Sora repeated. "I don't think so. I'm a _pull _door, Kai."

She blinked for a moment, and then smiled broadly. "Okay! That'll work too. Just watch out for the brambles."

"Brambles?" the brunet winced.

"Yep," Kairi grinned. "Don't worry, you won't fly into them. Hop on, Sora!"

Sora quite literally hopped onto the skateboard and readied himself to be dragged and thrust in the general direction of some thorns, as opposed to an actual skate ramp. Kairi had thought this the safest option, as Axel the redheaded ironing board (this description suited him rather well, actually) was still hanging around the ramps, watching them. She shivered when he winked at her. Why didn't he just _go away_?

"Wheeeeee!" Sora exclaimed as he skittered towards the brambles.

"Yay, Sora!" Kairi cheered. It was only a matter of time before Kairi's stupidity took form and kicked both their sorry asses into the thorn bushes. Somehow Sora had managed to snatch the strap of her top and _pull_ her into the mess of thorns and leaves with him.

Kairi was less than happy with this arrangement. What gave Sora the right to grab onto her for moral support in his time of need of some form of assistance in the face of danger?

"Ew, get off me Sora, you pervert!" she screeched, leaping up from the floor.

Sora picked himself up too, his limbs smarting from all the thorns. He managed to scoop up the skateboard before he collapsed against Kairi.

Not because he was severely injured or because he was passing out. Purely because he was a lazy sod, just like his father. On that subject…

"Sora!" Kairi cried, her eyes flicking over all the scratches that now adorned her best friend. "What are your parents gonna say when they see you like this?"

"They won't notice," Sora murmured. "Mummy will give me _cookies_!"

"Don't be silly, Sora," Kairi sighed, shaking her head in disapproval. "They'll ask _questions_. They might find out that…" (she whispered this bit) "_…we borrowed Roxie's skateboard_!"

Sora's mouth formed a small 'O' shape.

"_And _we might have to tell them about the creepy ironing board boy," she added, glaring at Axel, who was still gazing at them with a demented look on his face.

"I guess," Sora mumbled. "What are we gonna do instead, then?"

"Let's go to _my_ house!" Kairi beamed. "Daddy won't mind. He'll be watching _documentaries_ on Channel X."

Sora patted Kairi sadly. He knew exactly what sort of _documentaries_ were featured on Channel X from all his years of sneaking up on Roxas when he was watching them. Roxas hadn't found the situation quite as funny as Sora, who had been using his big brother's Channel X viewing habits as blackmail ever since. Sora wanted to explain to Kairi that her father was not in fact watching documentaries on history and the Thousand Heartless War (which Cid himself had probably fought in anyway, considering how old he was. Ha! Imagine that!), but instead he was watching-

"You leaving?" Axel called, leaping up from his spot on one of the ramps and running towards them.

"Yeah," Kairi answered. "What's it to you, anyway?"

Axel grinned mischievously. "Just wanted to say goodbye, is all," he winked. "Say hello to your brother for me, right?"

"Who, Roxas?" Sora questioned.

Axel smirked as he answered, "Yeah. Roxas…"

Sora and Kairi raised their eyebrows at each other and then ran off. Once they were round the corner they stopped to release the peals of laughter bubbling up inside them. By the time they started walking again they were practically crying.

When they reached Kairi's house, she opened the door and let them in.

"Daddy?" she called.

"Yer," Cid grunted. Kairi followed his voice into the sitting room, where he was sat sprawled in front of the television with a can of lager and a jumbo packet of crisps balanced on his beer belly. She gave him a quick kiss on his cheek.

"Hi, Daddy," she beamed. "Me n' Sora are hungry. Is it okay if we get some food?"

"Yer," Cid muttered, carelessly shoving a fistful of crisps in his mouth and chomping on them.

"Love you, daddy," Kairi smiled.

"'Ere, look at this," Cid snarled, waving his hand limply at the television box.

"What is it, daddy?" Kairi asked sweetly.

The two six year olds turned to the telly for closer inspection. The news reporter was shifting anxiously in her seat as she clattered the papers together on the desk.

"We are unsure as of yet who or where this man is or what he wants, all that we can be sure about is that his chosen method of action is to invite people in for tea and scones, then locks them in a room. We do not know his reasons, but he lets them free within a few hours, and they do not bear or claim to bear any scarring or damage."

"What's that got to do with us, Daddy?" Kairi queried.

"The lady," Cid grunted. "The news lady. She 'as funny 'air, dontcha reckon?"

No biscuits were visible amongst the junk that was Cid's kitchen, so Kairi skipped the bribery-with-food part and went straight to scrubbing Sora's legs with disinfectant while he winced in pain.

"Ow, Kairi, that _hurts_!" he whined.

"Shush," she muttered. When she was finished she stuck multiple plasters all over him until no scratches were visible, then gave him a spatula as a reward.

Sora sucked the spatula contently until he remembered about the skateboard.

"Oh no!" he remarked. "I have to be getting home soon and we haven't fixed Roxie's skateboard yet!"

"Let's ask Daddy for help!" Kairi suggested, but they soon dismissed that idea, as that would involve Cid leaving his chair. And they figured he wouldn't be very happy about doing that.

"It can't be that difficult," Sora observed, standing up to stretch his legs. He winced as the cuts were still painful, but managed to kneel down next to his friend and observe the skateboard.

"Ah," Kairi pouted, as one of the wheels fell off and rolled across the kitchen floor. "Never mind!" she chirruped brightly. "The wheel might make a nice… err… _car_… or… _sculpture_ for some mice. I don't know. What do you think the wheel would serve best as for some mice, Sora?"

"A cabbage," Sora answered. "Or a pretzel. It has that pretzel-y look, dontcha think?"

"Or a mouse," Kairi observed. "It could be another mouse. They could dress it up and push it in a pram and call it Twinkletoes."

Sora frowned. "If I was a wheel I would not want to be called Twinkletoes."

"Really?" Kairi blinked, puzzled. "What would you want to be called?"

"Intellectual Trevor," Sora mused. "Or Elroy Jemima McBiscuitbarrel."

Kairi shook her head and tutted at her friend. "No more sugar for _you_," she decided.

**O** **--- O**

**a/n: **Yep, folks, this is the _best_ I could do. Review, because... because... _because of the wonderful things that he does! Dee la la la la la la la _**LA!**

Err.. no... crap. Just ignore me.. bob. It might be a while 'til I update, 'cause I want to nearly finish the whole thing first. I only put this first chapter up because I wanted to see if anyone liked it, or if it was destined to become one of those annoying crappy fics that just take up space and no one ever reads.

Much like **a/n**s at the end of chapters...


	2. o2:,LadlesAndJellyspoons

**chaptertwo  
****ladlesandjellyspoons**

**---**

Roxas hated every minute of it. It was cruel and harsh and mean. He would rather tear out his eyes and play golf with them than live through this torture.

"Roxieeee! Can we have some _ice creeeeeam_?"

He bashed his head on the table.

"Just some sea salt ice cream, Roxie, pweeeeease?"

"No," he answered. His face was still squashed against the table so they obviously didn't hear his muffled voice, because they continued to whine, "Pleeeease, Roxie? Pweeeeeease?"

"Look, I said _no_!" he grimaced. "Just leave me alone!"

Sora blinked. "But Roxie, Mummy said you had to look after us!"

"I _am _looking after you," Roxas hissed. "Ice cream is full of sugar crap that makes you go hyper. And if you go hyper, I will strangle you. Therefore I am doing a very _good_ job of looking after you by not giving you any."

"But Roxie-" Kairi protested.

"No," he growled. "Now sit down and shut up. The contest starts soon."

Instead of the 'yay', 'woo', or 'go Roxie!' he would have normally received from the two six year olds, all he got was an eerie silence.

"Okay," Kairi whispered meekly, fidgeting in her seat.

"Do good," Sora mumbled, rubbing the tip of his oversized butter yellow shoe into the ground.

Roxas frowned. He should have been glad that their happy-happy-hyper moods had evaporated, but he wasn't. Something was wrong, and he couldn't quite place his finger on it. "What's the matter?" he asked. "Why aren't you-"

"LADLES AND JELLY SPOONS!" the fat commentator bellowed through a megaphone, interrupting several conversations. He paused for a moment to chuckle at his joke, although no one else did. Probably because it wasn't funny. Probably because it wasn't very original. Probably because it was offensive to ladles. And jelly spoons. Probably because everyone was so damn bored they didn't even notice that anyone had said anything.

"AHEM! I said, LADLES AND JELLYSPOONS!" he repeated, the megaphone quivering from his insolent vibrations. "LADLES AND JELLYSPOONS! AHEH!"

He pressed his finger to his ear, apparently being spoken to by his pissed-off boss via an earpiece.

"Oh… erm… right…" he murmured, then turned back to the crowds gathered around the sandlot, waiting expectantly.

"EH… LADLES- I MEAN, ERR, _LADIES _AND GENTLEMEN," he muttered bitterly, the noise still booming. "IT IS A DELIGHT TO HAVE YOU HERE TODAY ON BEHALF OF MY EMPLOYERS ALL THE COMPETITORS AND MYSELF I WOULD LIKE TO WISH YOU A VERY NICE DAY AND I HOPE THAT YOU ENJOY YOURSELVES DURING THIS TOURNAMENT THIS YEAR THERE IS A LOT OF COMPETITION SO WE HAVE NO CLUE WHO WILL WIN AND WE WISH EVERYONE THE BEST OF LUCK."

He turned away again, his finger lodged in his ear, listening to the frantic gibberish from his earpiece.

"WHAT'S THAT, MATE?" he whispered, but the megaphone still picked it up nevertheless. "WELL, WHO NEEDS FULL STOPS AND COMMAS? THAT'S WHAT I SAY! WHAT? YES… OKAY… SORRY MATE. WON'T HAPPEN AGAIN. SORRY."

He turned to face the audience again, who were watching him intently, some confused, some slack-jawed and some sniggering into their sea salt ice-lollies.

_Never mind, _he thought to himself. _I can always make another joke!_

He chuckled for a second as he skimmed through all the crappy jokes inbuilt into his brain, and then grinned at the crowds. "Okay," he chortled. "So a man walked into a bar…"

**O** --- **O**

"Yhoo ready, lyk?" Seifer snorted, speaking in usual chav dialect. "Yhoo oughta watch out, mayte, coz I'm well mint."

Roxas ignored him and kept watching the fat commentator. It had been thirty minutes since he had got all the competitors lined up for the start of the tournament, and twenty minutes since Seifer and his 'crew' had stopped muttering 'bling' and 'innit' long enough to get bored of waiting and start throwing stuff at people.

"Ow," Roxas groaned, as an empty tin can whacked the back of his head.

"Lyk, _lol_!" Hayner laughed nastily. "It lyk, hit im in th ed, lyk!"

"N it lyk, hurt, lyk," Roxas mimicked.

Hayner gasped.

"R yhoo disrespectin us?" Seifer queried. "R yhoo disrespectin us?"

"Yhoo r, entcha?" Hayner growled. "We will _well_, lyk, av yhoo fer dis!"

"Omg, I lyk, well cant beleev yhoo jus sed dat!" Rai squealed.

Roxas blinked.

"Yer, ave it!" Rai exclaimed. "Y'KNOW!"

But in all fairness, Roxas didn't know. So he ignored their trivial chav-speak accusations and continued listening to the fat commentator.

"AND THAT, DEARHEARTS, IS HOW WE WILL DETERMINE THE WINNER!" he bellowed, the megaphone at large. "READY, FOLKS?"

A handful of people in the audience called out lifelessly.

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"Yeah."

"I _STILL_ CAN'T HEAR YOU!"

"Uh-huh."

"I _STILL _CAN'T-"

"Shut up."

"OKAY! THEN LET THE GAMES BEGIN!" the fat commentator finished. "THE FIRST FOUR MATCHES ARE AS FOLLOWS…" he paused for a moment to pull a scrap of paper his trouser pocket, which he hastily unfolded and read with much gusto, "RAY VS. SEIFER, ROCKER VS. AXEL, AXEL VS. SEIFER AND ROCKER VS. HAYNER. BUT FIRST UP, HAYNER VS. RAI!"

Roxas assumed Rocker was him. Hayner and Rai jogged into the centre of the sandlot, where several ramps were set out in different shapes, sizes, colours, flavours and stuff.

They whipped out their oversized roller blades and crammed their undersized feet into them, then wobbled wearily into their positions, Struggle bats brandished.

"READY?" the fat commentator called. "THREE… TWO… ONE… STRUGGLE!"

**O** --- **O**

"Boring, isn't it?" someone muttered.

Roxas spun around. "Huh?" he breathed.

"You're Roxas, aren't you? the person smirked, sticking one hand up in the air for the purpose of sticking one hand up in the air.

"No…" Roxas murmured, observing his own feet. "I'm… Axel," he lied, plucking the name out of the air. It was floating around waiting to plucked out, as were all good guitar strings and all good feather-filled cushions. He had to oblige didn't he? What if the poor little names just floated around the air for all eternity? It was his _job_ to pluck things out of the air. He had to-

"No you're not," Axel answered in a bored tone. "_I _am Axel. Got it memorized?"

"Sure…" Roxas mumbled, blushing crimson to match Axel's scarlet porcupine-shaped hair. "I'm playing you next, right?"

"I believe so," Axel smirked. "May the best man win," he added, grinning.

"Yeah," Roxas replied, glaring suspiciously at the older boy. "Yeah."

He picked himself up from the queue curving round the edge of the sandlot and strolled to the other side to see… erm… _someone_.

Yes. Just _someone_.

"_Roxie_!" someone cried enthusiastically. "I haven't seen you in weeks!"

Oh no. Not _that _someone. _Anyone _but _that _someone. He looked up slowly to face the bouncy hyper yellow thing stood in front of him.

"I've missed you soooo much!" Selphie giggled, lunging towards him, plastic dolly arms outstretched for a hug.

"I… ah…" Roxas cringed as she suffocated him, trying hastily to shrug her off. "Yeah… yeah… great… okay… get off me… seriously, get off me…"

When at long last the mega-hug subsided, Roxas was left looking sympathetically at the bright yellow maniac leaping up and down before him.

Selphie was _not_ in fact, as you might assume, the same age as Sora and Kairi, but was actually only a year younger than Roxas. She just consumed a lot of sugar.

"So how've you _been_?" she squealed happily.

"Fine…" he muttered.

"You're in the contest this year _riiiight_?" she nudged him.

"Err… yeah…" he murmured.

Selphie beamed. "That's like, SO GREAT, Roxie!" she proclaimed.

"Yeah…" he mumbled. "So, what are you doing here…?"

"I'm here with my friend!" Selphie giggled. "This is Mindy!" she indicated towards a girl with curly pink hair who just _happened_ to be casually strolling past at the appropriate moment.

"Hi!" Mindy tittered, exchanging pleased glances with her friend. "I'm _Mindy_!"

They both burst out in fits of the giggles.

"Err… hi…" Roxas mumbled anxiously.

"So, I am like, wearing some rainbow _glooooves_!" Mindy proclaimed, waving her hands in the air, as if attempting a one-man Mexican wave. It appeared that these infamous rainbow gloves were several sizes too big, as they soon dropped off her hands and onto the floor.

"Oh darn," she remarked, giggling insanely. She snatched them up before anyone else could, then placed them neatly on her head. "_Now they are on my heeeeead!"_ she shrieked, then nearly toppled over from laughing. "_I have raninbow gloooves on me heeead!_"

Roxas took a step back in alarm.

"Do you like Mindy, then?" Selphie questioned, prodding Roxas in the chest. "Would you like to go on a date with her?"

"A date?" Mindy spat. "A _date_? Selphie, m'dear, what _can _you be thinking of? I ain't goin' on no date with no farmer's lass! No chance! That ain't what old Bill's been doing fer these last forty years an' it ain't done him no 'arm, like!"

And with that Mindy stormed off angrily.

"You upset her," Selphie grimaced, glaring at Roxas.

"But I didn't-" Roxas began, but she cut him off. Literally. He woke up a week later in hospital with all his limbs missing.

No, not really. But it wouldn't have been a bad idea.

"_You… upset… Mindy_!" Selphie hissed. "You'll pay!"

Then she promptly pivoted round on her too-high-heels, fell over, and then picked herself up and chased after this 'Mindy'.

Roxas shook his head in disbelief.

"Girls, eh?" Axel chuckled from behind.

Roxas spun around. "Huh?" he blinked. "Are you following me?"

Axel raised his eyebrows. "No," he answered, his voice bored. "We're up next."

He carelessly thrust Roxas' beloved skateboard –cough- _Derek _–uncough- at its owner. The two males locked tongue- err, _eyes_ for a moment while Roxas tried to work out why this red-headed stranger even had _Derek_ in the first place.

Anyone who touched Derek was in for a _tough ride_. Fer sure.

"Relax, I haven't done anything to it," Axel assured the blonde. "You just left it over there."

Roxas snatched the board away from Axel and clutched it protectively.

Axel laughed. "So how long have you been skateboarding?" he asked.

Roxas glared at him. "Few years," he murmured. "You?"

"Skateboard? I don't think so," Axel smirked.

"What wheels do you have, then?" Roxas questioned. "Roller skates?"

"Penny farthing," Axel grinned.

"Penny farthing?" Roxas repeated. "Really?"

Axel laughed. "You're not so bright, are you?" he replied smugly.

Roxas frowned defensively.

"Chakras," Axel answered.

"They're not wheels!" Roxas pointed out, but Axel frowned.

"Sure they are," he replied. "They're round, they can spin. Anyway, my friend Marluxia rides a chariot."

"But you can't _ride_ chakras," Roxas objected. "They're weapons!"

"Yeah," Axel smirked, grinning as the fat commentator signalled the end of the first match. "And now I've got the perfect opportunity to use them!"

"What?" Roxas gaped. "That's not fair! I've only got a Struggle bat-"

"AND OUR WINNER IS… RAI!" the fat commentator bellowed. A handful of cheers erupted from the crowd. "AND HAYNER PUT UP A GREAT FIGHT TOO!"

A few diehard Hayner fans let out miserable "woohoo"s, while several Hayner-flamers grinned evilly and chucked tin cans at the mangled corpse. Or alternatively, the "slightly injured boy", as the fat commentator would protest to solicitors when Hayner's mother had him arrested for organising such a dangerous sport.

"NEXT UP WE HAVE ROCKER VS. AXEL!" the fat commentator called, shifting Hayner out of the way with his feet and kicking him under a magic carpet that had magically appeared. "AXEL AND ROCKER, COME TO THE CENTRE, PLEASE!"

"Shall we?" Axel smirked, heading forwards.

Roxas frowned, then jogged after him. He didn't have much choice.

**O** --- **O**

"HERE WE HAVE AXEL AND ROCKER! READY, FELLAS?"

They let out absent-minded grunts, glaring at each other, face-to-face. Roxas had his neon blue struggle bat gripped tightly, but Axel was empty-handed.

"Where're your _chakras_?" Roxas hissed, smirking.

Axel laughed smugly, choosing to ignore the blonde.

"I'LL TAKE YOUR INDIFFERENT SILENCES AS A YES!" the fat commentator boomed. "READY? THREE… TWO… ONE… STRUGGLE!"

Roxas surged forward on his skateboard, lunging at his opponent, bat brandished. With a swish of neon blue, the bat skimmed across the top of Axel's head, missing him narrowly. Again, Roxas swung his bat, only for Axel to dodge and take no damage. He began to get irritated, and brought the weapon down harder and stronger. Axel was much faster, however, and leapt out of the way, laughing tauntingly.

"AND IT LOOKS LIKE AXEL IS JUST TOO QUICK FOR ROCKER!" the fat commentator yelled, and then turned to the nearest person in the audience. "WHAT DO YOU THINK?"

"Couldn't agree more," the man nodded, speaking clearly through the megaphone. "Perhaps if Rocker slows down and considers his technique more, Axel will have less chance of dodging his attacks and Rocker will have a better chance of winning."

"I LOVE YOUR THOUGHTS," the fat commentator proclaimed, and turned to the next person. "WHAT ABOUT YOU?"

"Wateva coz I rli dnt car I jus wana wtch Hynr n Seifr coz der wel fit lyk," the girl mused.

"GREAT INSIGHT! HOW ABOUT YOU?"

"Yeah, great."

"INTRIGUING APPROACH! WHAT ABOUT-"

"ARRGHHHHH!" a scream echoed from the centre of the sandlot. "My arm! _My arrrrm_!"

"OOH, WHAT'S GOING ON OVER HERE?" the fat commentator pondered. "OH DEAR! IT LOOKS LIKE ROCKER HAS INJURED HIMSELF!"

He surged forward and bounded towards the boys, his man boobs bouncing.

"ROCKER! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?" he yelled, holding the megaphone just inches away from the injured party's ear.

"His name's _Roxas_," Axel grimaced, lifting the blonde up. "It's just his arm. I think it's broken."

"OH DEAR!" the fat commentator exclaimed. "WE HAD BETTER GET HIM TO HOSPITAL QUICK!"

"Oww…" Roxas murmured feebly. "You _hit_ me…"

"No I didn't," Axel answered. "It looks like one of the wheels came off your skateboard."

Kairi and Sora stared at each other, open-mouthed.

"Oh, Sora!" Kairi gasped, squeezing his hand. "What have we _done_?"

**O** --- **O**

**a/n: **Not very much, Kairi m'dear.

Rocker is off his rocker! Hehe .

Review, because.. _I am not dead yet, I can dance and I can sing, I not dead yet, I can do the highland fling, I am not dead yet, no need to go to bed, no need to call the doctor 'cause I'm _**NOT YET DEAD!**

Ja. Crappy songs are my forte, no joke.


	3. o3:,ServingHatch

**chapter three  
serving hatch**

**---**

It is a well-known fact that all doctors care immensely about their patients. They make sure that the wards are clean and tidy, talk through medical procedures, discuss health issues and just generally make them feel welcome.

"Shut up and get back in yer cell!" Larxene snapped. She knew how it was done.

"But please, doctor, I feel really ill!" a patient protested, his gelled-up hair quivering with desperation.

"Tell someone who gives a damn!" Larxene grimaced. "I've got work to do!"

Larxene's co-worker, Marluxia, considered for a moment telling Larxene that helping people _was _her work. But then he looked sadly at his beloved vase of flowers, which sat on his desk. Once fresh and sweet-smelling, the flower heads were now putrid and tattered and flattened out into lots of thin little strips, almost as if they had been simultaneously forced through a shredder multiple times. This was ironic, seeing how that is exactly what had happened to them.

No, Marluxia knew better than to question Larxene's judgement.

"Look, I don't bloody care!" Larxene pointed out. "Leave me alone!"

She got up from behind the front desk and stormed off into her room. Not that she had a room, as the hospital was not her house, but she had claimed the supply cupboard as her own, for the times when she decided to act like a stroppy teenager and lock herself inside.

"Get out, bitch," she hissed at the tearful nurse who had already situated himself in her cupboard.

"Sorry," the nurse whispered, and scarpered out hastily. He, like Marluxia, also knew better than to question Larxene's judgement.

"Aww, it's okay, Xemnas," Marluxia soothed, patting him on the shoulder. "Larxene's just annoyed because someone asked her for help."

"Hello? Still in _pain_ over here!" the patient pointed out, jumping up and down.

"Yeah, yeah," Marluxia brushed him off. "So anyway, Xemnas, it's your shift. I have to go buy some more _flowers_."

**O** ----- **O**

"That old lady's looking at me, Kairi, I know she is!" Sora mumbled anxiously, holding onto his friend's arm for support. "Tell her to go away, Kairi, _please_!"

Kairi sighed, and then turned and mock-glared at the 'old lady'.

The empty chair glared back.

"She says she's sorry, okay, Sora?" Kairi smiled.

He nodded. He could always rely on Kairi to scare away invisible malicious old ladies on buses.

"Thanks, Kai," he beamed. "Lots of old ladies have been looking at me funny recently. Why do you think it is?"

"Probably your hair," Kairi mused. "Since you started using Roxie's hair gel, you look really silly."

Sora pouted. "Oh," he sighed glumly. "D'you think so? Isn't there anything else it could be?"

Kairi shrugged. "You have big shoes that are butter-yellow," she observed. "And you carry around a giant key."

"Ah, yes," Sora pondered, rubbing the tip of his aforementioned oversized butter yellow shoe into the floor. They both squealed in glee as the bus leapt over a bump.

They liked riding on buses, especially with Sora's Auntie Maleficent, because she didn't care what they did. It was not unusual for her to leave them on the bus while she went off buying a wedding dress she had never had the opportunity to wear. Once she was supposed to be taking them to school but instead loaded them onto a different bus and went all the way to London so she could buy _Heat _magazine.

And the thing they liked most about Maleficent was that they could stay with her as long as they wanted. This was because Tifa only dumped the two six year olds on one of her sisters whenever she was too busy to care what happened to them. Not that she was in any position to 'dump' Kairi on anyone, seeing how Kairi was not her daughter, but Sora and Kairi came as a package and besides, Cid would have done the same. That was if he stopped being drunk for long enough to notice that Kairi was not a beer can like everything else was, or occasionally a garden gnome.

Heaven help Kairi's sister, Naminé, and their mother… whoever she was.

"Auntie M'liffy-sent!" Sora and Kairi chorused. "Can we have some _ice creeeam_?"

"Of course, darlings," Maleficent droned, her voice deep and throaty. She would have sounded seductive, had Sora and Kairi been men in their late fifties, and had Maleficent herself been a few notches more attractive with no horns, less of a green skin tone, at least bog-standard brown eyes instead of eerie yellow cat-like slits… just generally less ghastly and scary-looking. Or, y'know, a completely different person entirely.

TAKE TWO

-Cue seductive exotic music-  
"Of course, darlings," Barbie-Maleficent smiled, her voice so sweet, sugary and squeaky she could have been drinking bleach the previous night. She flicked her long bottle-blonde curls and flashed an oh-so-cliché Hollywood smile. With Sora and Kairi (as well as all the men in their late fifties on the bus) watching intently, she went on, "I am _Maleficent_! The mistress of _all evil_!"

-Abrupt end of music-

"'Ere, you! Get the 'ell off my bus!"

And so Maleficent got off the bus and made her way to Poland, conveniently forgetting she was supposed to be looking after two absent-minded six year olds with a tendency of plotting evil missions and causing serious (accidental) bodily harm to their siblings.

"Oh, Sora," Kairi sighed wistfully. "However will we get ice cream now, with no one to buy it for us?"

"I do not know," Sora answered wisely. "Roxie would buy us some, if he was here. I _do_ wish we had not almost killed him."

"Yes," Kairi nodded. "It was an awful shame."

"Yes," Sora nodded. "It was. We will have to make it up to him."

"Yes," Kairi nodded. "Let's bake him a cake."

"Yes," Sora nodded. "With ketchup and mustard on top."

"Yes," Kairi nodded. "That'll make him forgive us."

"Yes," someone else nodded. "That is what I did when I almost killed _my_ brother, and he completely forgived _me_!"

There was now so much nodding going on that heads began to fall off and roll down the aisle. Once the bus driver had stopped the bus and screwed all the heads firmly back on the correct bodies, the conversation resumed again.

"Who are you?" Kairi queried, turning around in her seat to face the other way, where the girl who almost killed her brother was sat.

"My name is Rey. R-E-Y, got it memorized?" the girl giggled.

"Ohhhh," Kairi and Sora replied in unison. "You're a relation of _Axel_. We can understand why you would want to kill him."

"He stole our ironing board!" Sora piped up.

"I do not know any Axel," Rey answered. "But I _do_ like ironing boards. I like to collect them and hug them. I hug them as much as I hug my A3 folder, only I don't hug them and they aren't A3. So I don't hug them really but they're foldy and look like paper hats and that's _all_ that matters."

Kairi and Sora nodded understandingly. "We are Kairi and Sora," Kairi grinned, pointing demurely at herself and then prodding Sora with her pointy little finger. "We almost killed Sora's big brother Roxas."

Rey nodded. "I know how you feel. I almost killed my brother too."

In actual fact she had not killed him, she had just lost him in a field, along with her sanity and possibly some loose change.

"I was taking him for a walk, you see," she explained as she recounted the events. "And I threw him a stick and he just never came back. Good riddance, I say. _Anyway_, now I have a nice new dog called Chell. Say hello, Chell!"

She gestured for the dog to leap up from her hiding place underneath the seat and greet Rey's new friends, but she did not. Instead, a human girl of around the same age as all three of them bounded up and started licking the windows of the bus. She looked just like any other six year old, except she had a diamante dog collar around her neck and was clipped onto a chain.

"Sit, Chell, _sit_!" Rey exclaimed. "Sorry about her. She's been a bit grumpy because I wouldn't buy her a new box. "

"You keep yer _dog_ in a _box_?" Sora gasped.

"No," Rey answered calmly. "I just buy her boxes. She likes 'em."

"_I _like coffee tables!" Sora proclaimed.

And that is how they became friends.

**O** ----- **O**

"You two, injury ward," Larxene proclaimed, pointing at ill people queuing up in the waiting room. You might have thought they were waiting for the latest Harry Potter book, because they had to bring sleeping bags and camp out on the floor just to get any service.

"And… _now_ it's time for my break!" Larxene finished, smirking. "The rest of you can just wait here until I come back," she directed the masses.

The two people she had bothered to send to a ward left the room alongside her.

"That way," Larxene told them, pointing in no particular direction. The two teenagers looked at each other and shrugged.

"Does your arm still hurt?" Axel asked.

"Yeah," Roxas grimaced. "No thanks to _you._"

"Hey, I brought you here, didn't I?" Axel pointed out. "That should be worth a 'thank you', at least."

Roxas paused for a moment. "Thanks," he mumbled. "Now can we please find somewhere to get my arm looked at?"

"Yeah," Axel nodded. "There should be an x-ray machine around here somewhere…"

Roxas scowled. "But there's not," he pointed out.

The redhead grabbed him by his good arm and dragged him along the corridor. It wasn't a very large hospital, so it was only a matter of seconds before they came to a large wall obstructing their path.

"Dead end," the blond observed.

"This whole _place_ is a dead end," Axel muttered. "There's only four freakin' rooms!"

Roxas counted them silently in his head. _One, _waiting room, _two_, psychiatric ward, _three_, injury ward, and _four, _cafeteria.

"Let's try in there," Axel suggested, tugging Roxas towards the cafeteria door.

"The cafeteria?" Roxas repeated. "There won't be an x-ray machine in _there_."

"No, but I'm hungry," Axel shrugged. He pushed the double doors open with his other hand and continued pulling the blond inside.

The walls were cream and stained with mould and other strange substances that neither of them cared to know about. The tiles on the floor were sticky and neither of them cared to walk across them, but slowly and stickily made their way to the back wall. Just as the approached it, the serving hatch snapped up and a large blonde head stuck itself out.

"HELLO!" the blonde shrieked. "I'm RIKKU!"

Roxas doubted she knew this for sure, as she appeared to be reading from the badge pinned to her shirt.

"Hi, can we get some food?" Axel questioned.

"Sure! Whaddaya want?" Rikku beamed.

"I don't care, just something edible."

"Coming right up!"

Rikku left the hatch and dashed out of their eyesight. In her absence they heard the bashing and clanging of several pots and pans, and then a lion-like roar and a high-pitched girly scream. A moment later, she appeared at the hatch again holding a plate of pasta in each hand, and some salt and pepper shakers balanced on her head.

Axel took the two plates and nodded in thanks. Roxas raised his eyebrows and removed the salt and pepper shakers from the girl's head with a sarcastic smile.

The blond and the redhead sat down at a nearby table and began to eat their meals. Coincidentally, Rikku The Insane had provided them with no forks.

"Oops!" the blonde shrieked, diving through the serving hatch in on swift leap. She belly-flopped onto the floor then picked herself up, the front of her body rather sticky. She held out two knives and proclaimed that they should eat up all their din dins like good little boys.

"We can't get very far with two knives," Roxas pointed out.

"Oh," Rikku pouted. "I've got some breadsticks, if they'll help…?"

"We'll be fine, thanks," Axel smirked. He began stabbing at the tubes of pasta with his knife. Roxas followed his example, and before long they both had a plate of yellow pasta mush and a bent knife, but no food had actually reached their mouths.

"Great," Roxas scowled. "Can we go get my arm looked at now?"

"YOUR ARM?" Rikku yelled, diving through the serving hatch again. "What's wrong with your ARM?"

"It's bent back the wrong way…?" Roxas suggested. "You don't think my arm is _naturally _like this, do you?"

Rikku frowned. "Aw, we'll have to get this looked at," she noted.

"_Thank_ you!" Roxas exclaimed, glaring at Axel.

"What?" the redhead shrugged. "I told you we should get it x-rayed."

Roxas scowled and allowed Rikku to drag him towards the serving hatch.

"I'm not going through there!" he told her firmly.

"Well there's no other way," she informed him. "But beware- once you go through the serving hatch… you can never come back!"

She observed the raised eyebrows and added, "Okay, well you _can_. Why do you have to spoil everything?"

Then she grabbed Roxas by the collar and shoved him through. He gave a yelp of pain as he landed on his bad arm on the other side.

"Careful!" Axel snapped. "He's hurt his arm!"

"Oops!" Rikku called through the hatch. "Sawwy!"

She turned back to the redhead.

"Reet! Yer guuu!" she beamed, reaching out for his collar to force him through, then stopping herself when she realised he was a whole lot taller and could probably step on her. She hastily drew her hands back to her sides.

"Yeah," Axel smirked. "I think I can get myself through, thanks."

He did so, and then watched with interest as Rikku dived after him and landed with a smack against the tile floor. It seemed the decorations in the kitchen were no different to that of the cafeteria, except for the vast variety of bottle tops taped to one of the walls, and the windows were slightly larger.

"Here we are!" Rikku beamed excitedly, indicating towards the supposed x-ray machine parked in the centre of the room.

"Hop on, we'll get you x-rayed in no time!"

She grabbed Axel's hood and dragged him to the table, while he complained about get off me you psycho and ow my limbs.

"Your limbs? We can get all of them x-rayed too!" Rikku beamed.

"What? No I'm fi- OWW! Get off me you crazy person!"

Rikku eventually let go and let him limp away with damaged legs. "What?" she asked. "I only wanted to x-ray your arm."

"Well did you really have to kick me so much?" Axel scowled, sitting on a counter and examining his shins. Several blue and purple bruises had appeared up and down them.

"Oh no!" Rikku cried. "You have big bruises on your legs!"

"Cleverly observed," Roxas told her.

"We must get these bandaged up!" she cried, and ran into a different room, returning after a few minutes with a large box of plasters. She stuck them all up and down Axel's shins and then jammed his head inside a large white cone, similar to the ones dogs are given when they have had surgery.

"What the-"

"It's for your own good!" Rikku pointed out. "So that you can't lick your plasters off."

"Why would I want to lick my plasters off?" Axel grimaced.

"I don't know, but now you _can't_!" Rikku giggled. "Come on now, let's get both of you off to a ward! You've had a very traumatic experience!"

"But my arm!" Roxas protested.

Rikku nodded absently. "Yes, yes, it's a very nice arm, bit lacking in muscles but it should do for the common necessities of life," she remarked, and then began to push both boys towards the serving hatch.

"I'm not going through _there_ again," Axel announced matter-of-factly, but Rikku didn't seem to care. She picked up Roxas as easily as if he were a grand piano and tossed him through the hatch. This was actually a rather simple task for Rikku; it seemed that compared to herself, she was right, Roxas really did have no muscles.

She pivoted around on her heel and beamed at Axel. "Yer guu!" she giggled again. He glared at her.

"Don't you dare," he scowled, and then walked towards the actual door that was conveniently situated on the other side of the kitchen.

**O** ----- **O**

**A/N: **Yes folks, there was a door there ALL ALONG!

And the ketchup and mustard thing is Lamatikah's thing. Look on her profile to see what it symbolises (nothing perverted, don't worry). Damn you, Lamatikah. Now I am **advertising** you?! You owe me. -shakes fist- Does anyone think Roxas will appreciate the ketchup and mustard cake?

Oh, and disclaimer: not owning Kingdom Hearts and stoof yey.


	4. o4:,RunForTheHills

**chapter four  
run for the hills**

---  
**disclaimer: not owning kingdom hearts, 'kay?**

In most circumstances, being reunited with one's family after a space of time apart is a joyous occasion. In some, rarer, situations, reunions are not quite as enjoyable.

If your mother pays you a visit and gets interlocked in a stimulating conversation with a nurse that stops the said nurse from taking your temperature every thirty seconds, this is an example of circumstance A.

If your mother pays you a visit and criticises that same nurse that likes to take your temperature every thirty seconds for not taking your temperature more often, this is an example of circumstance B.

If your father visits and accidentally leans on a bed curtain instead of a wall, falls backwards and squashes a patient, this is an example of circumstance B. Unless, of course, the patient is called Wakka, in which case this is a positively _brilliant_ circumstance, be it A, B, C, or any other letter in the alphabet.

"No, Mr Leonheart, it's quite alright, we understand that it was an accident," Dr. Lulu sighed.

"So we're not going to be charged for it?" Tifa asked. "You know, the 'you break it, you buy it' deal?"

"That'll be 3 munny!" Rikku announced, hands outstretched. "Cross me palms with silver yey!"

"Rikku!" Lulu hissed. "You know we can't sell children anymore, after what happened last time-"

"Here you go!" Tifa beamed, holding out three munnies. "We'll just stick the child in the boot of the car, okay?"

"We have a 4x4," Leon announced, his back now comfortably glued to a wall.

"No, I don't think that will be necessary," Lulu assured them.

"Mrs Sora!" Kairi yelled frantically. "Roxie won't eat our caaaaake!"

Tifa shook her head and sighed, then headed towards her son's bed, where Sora and Kairi had already gathered.

"Roxie, hun, eat your cake. Sora and Kairi have made it specially!" Tifa beamed. "I'm sure it's deliiicious!"

"It really is!" Sora beamed. "We hope you like it, Roxie. It took us ages."

"So… it's like, mustard… and ketchup…?" Roxas blinked.

"Yeah!" Kairi giggled.

Roxas shifted the cake off his lap onto his bedside table.

"I'll eat it later," he reassured them.

"So, how are things?" Tifa smiled.

"Fine… I eventually got an x-ray…" he murmured, glaring at Axel, who was in the bed next to his. "So, yeah, my arm is getting better. I think."

"So… can we like, sign your cast?" Sora asked.

"Oh please!" Kairi joined in, jumping up and down. "I have a special pen! It's a mag-ic marker and it writes on ev'rything! It's amazing!"

Roxas raised his eyebrows. "O-kay," he replied.

"YAY!" the two six-year-olds chorused, diving forwards with their magic markers brandished.

"Me first!" Sora announced, shoving Kairi aside and scribbling rapidly on his brother's arm. When he was finished and withdrew himself, a sulking Kairi left a wonky 'K' and some 'X's with her pink felt tip.

Roxas frowned at Sora's message. He couldn't quite make it out.

"It says, 'and you look like one too!'" Sora explained. "You see?"

"Not really…" Roxas murmured.

"Well, it's like in that song that goes 'Happy birfday to yoooou, happy birfday to yoooooou, you smell like a mon-keeyyyy, and you look like one too!" he continued. "Do ya geddit now?"

"But it's not my birthday," Roxas pointed out.

"No," Sora agreed. "It's not. That's why I didn't put the whole song. I just put the lookey likey one twooooo ya seeeee?"

Roxas nodded slowly. "Okay…" he murmured. "I think I like Kairi's message better."

Sora pouted and Kairi grinned happily.

"What about _my _message?" Axel asked. "I haven't signed your cast yet either."

Roxas raised his eyebrows and laughed a little. "I only just managed to get it x-rayed. I won't let you break it again!"

Axel didn't seem to find it as funny, but he smiled weakly for a second before turning back to his Gameboy.

"Ah, so you're the one who broke our Roxie's arm?" Tifa asked, pouncing (not literally…) on the redhead.

"Oh, that. No, it was an accident. One of the wheels came off his skateboard," Axel replied hastily.

Sora and Kairi exchanged glances guiltily. Sora rubbed the tip of his oversized butter-yellow shoe into the floor.

"Oh, that's alright then!" Tifa smiled merrily.

"What? No it's not!" Roxas pointed out. "I still have a broken arm!"

"It should heal within a few weeks!" Rikku chirruped, appearing out of nowhere. "Or months… years… decades…"

Roxas scowled.

"Oh, don't worry about it!" she beamed. "The bruised shins and aching neck of yer freund Axel here won't be properly healed until the 2012 Olympics. So, if you're a budding athlete, now is the time to sign up!"

Roxas scowled. Axel was _not_ his 'freund'. And he was _not_ a budding athlete. Neither, it seemed, was anyone else on the ward.

"Well _I_ prefer _singing_!" Rikku announced. "Who's for a bit of _karreh-okeh_!?!"

No one seemed interested in karaoke either, so left their supposed nurse chanting songs from The Lion King by herself and went back to whatever they were doing before she so _rudely _interrupted them.

"So, are they treating you alright, Roxie?" Tifa asked.

"Mmm hmm," Roxas answered, not looking up from the messages etched on his cast. Two little kiddie scribbles, interesting or what.

"That's good," Tifa remarked. "Your father and I were afraid they'd be _mean_! We couldn't wait to come and see you!"

"Huh," Roxas raised his eyebrows. "You say that, and yet I still don't see dad in the room anywhere."

Tifa rolled her eyes. "LEON!" she yelled at the door. "Yer son wants ya!"

Leon shuffled across the room, groping the wall for support all the way.

"Phew!" he mopped his brow with his handkerchief when he finally reached them. "It was touch and go for a minute there. I thought I might have _let go of the wall_!"

Tifa gasped. "Oh, Leon! Are you alright?"

"Yes. I… I _think_ so," he mumbled, looking down at the floor. First the walls, now the floor? What next? The roof? The… the _windows_? The _doors_? He's taking over all our buildings, we must act fast! RUN FOR THE HILLS!

Roxas banged his head on the wall, then drew back when he remembered that Leon had already taken it into his power. What else was there to bang his head on? Err… a bedside table? Too small, and too close to his father's deadly grasp. Lamp? Okay, ouch… bedpost? Arm, feet, his own head? His own brain? His ears, a clock, a cow, a windowpane… NO! Leon had that too! Whatever could Roxas do? There was nothing left to damage himself on! Why did life hate him so much? Why was the world-

Axel leant to the side and nudged him. "My parents are the same," he muttered. "My father spends all his time setting fire to stuff, and if it doesn't burn he has a mental breakdown."

An image of an older version of Axel attempting to set a lake on fire and shouting, "BURN, damn you!" crept into Roxas's mind.

For some reason Axel felt comfortable talking to Roxas about his family. After all, what was better for starting off a new friendship than discussing the strange habits of your pyromaniac father?

Roxas patted Axel's hand sympathetically. "My mum set fire to her chest and all the plastic melted," he nodded knowingly.

Well, that sure was more interesting than Reno, Axel thought. 

**O ----- O**

"Well, we gave him the cake like you said we should," Sora whined.

"And he didn't even touch it!" Kairi exclaimed. "He just put it on the side and said 'he would eat it later'. I mean _wha_?"

Rey nodded understandingly. "It's okay," she soothed. "Some people don't forgive you straight away. Just give it time."

"Woof," said Chell.

"But we want him to forgive us _now_!" Sora sniffed tearfully.

"Well… he knows it was you who broke his skatebooooard, reet?" Rey prompted.

"Well… no…" Kairi admitted.

"We didn't think it would be good to tell him," Sora confessed. He found himself confessing a lot of his sins on that couch. Well, it wasn't really a couch in the brown leather couch and the therapist sense of the word, it was a bus seat. A rather small bus seat at that, so small in fact that Sora couldn't lie down on it without taking up most of the aisle of the bus.

Once again Sora and Kairi had found themselves on the bus next to Rey and her dog Chell. This time they were supposed to be being looked after by their Uncle Oogie Boogie, who had apparently wandered off… somewhere, to do… something… and forgotten that he was supposed to be going… somewhere, with… someone… like… two six year olds, or… something…

Meh, he really didn't give a damn. Neither did Sora and Kairi. He could be halfway to Mexico by now for all they knew or cared.

"Oh, but you _have_ to tell him!" Rey exclaimed. "What use are these therapy sessions if you don't pay attention to them?"

"I don't know… to spend Kairi's money?" Sora shrugged.

Rey blinked. "Wait, you're _paying_ me for this?" she gaped. "Oh, well, we'd better actually _do_ something then."

Kairi sighed and looked at her nails. They were very pretty and neat for a six year old.

"Well, your next task is-" Rey began.

"_Woof_!" Chell hissed.

"-to go back to your brother's ward and-"

"GRRRR!" Chell growled.

"-ask the nurse there if they can-"

"_GRRRRRR!"_

"-give him really nice-"

"GRRRR!"

"-food and stuff, and treat him-"

"**GRRRRRR!**"

"-really really-"

"_**GRAAAHHHHHH**_!"

"-specially. What _is_ it, Chell?"

"Hungry," Chell grunted. Rey chucked her a packet of sugar-infested sweets, which the supposed 'dog' ripped into instantly.

"You shouldn't feed your doggie sugar," Kairi announced. "I read it somewhere. It's naughty and silly and will make the doggie die."

Rey shrugged carelessly. "That's okay," she replied. "I dunmind. She's getting a bit old anyway. I can always get another one."

"Don't you think that's a bit mean to Chell?" Sora asked with concern in his cute and squeaky six year old voice.

"Nah, she dunmind, do ya, Chelly?" Rey grinned, kicking the 'dog' lightly with her foot.

Chell whined and collapsed on the floor.

"'Ere you, get the 'ell off my bus!"

**O** ----- **O**

"And _then_ he told me he though I was fat! I mean _really_!" Rikku sobbed, waving the packet of tissues she had been handed around in the air like a stage prop. "And then he said that it was all over, and he couldn't _bear _to look at my face anymore… I mean, am I _really_ that ugly?"

"No, Rikku," the ward droned in unison.

"Do you think I'm fat?"

"No, Rikku."

"Are you lying to me?"

"No, Rikku."

"Do you think I'm a good trainee nurse? Do I treat you right?"

"No, Rikku."

"What?" she gasped. "You think I'm a bad trainee nurse?"

"No, Rikku."

The process continued until all the patients had either fallen asleep or killed themselves. Mostly the latter. The only person who was actually asleep and did not need to be told to "stay away from the light!" was Roxas, and two excitable children soon awaked him.

"ROXIEEEE!" Sora cried, diving onto his brother.

"Okay, ow," Roxas scowled. "What are you doing back here?"

Kairi put her hands on her hips and sighed. "Two visits in one day? You should feel privileged!"

"Aheh," Roxas murmured. "Funny how I don't."

"Well, that's your loss," Sora announced. "People who don't appreciate me und Kairi are very silly people who don't deserve our company."

"You tell 'em, Sora!" Rikku proclaimed, leaping up from her puddle of tears, a triumphant grin plastered on her face.

Or at least, as triumphant as someone can be when they've bounded up from a chair and landed in a pile of their own used tissues. Soft cushioning from a fall, but not great for a dramatic effect.

"Genius," Roxas muttered, rolling his eyes.

"Ouchie!" Rikku remarked as she picked herself up. "Who left all these tissues here?"

She scooped up as many Kleenexes as she could carry and tottered over to the bin, where she deposited them.

"Honestly, there are enough there to build a house with!" she sighed and shook her head. "Anyway, what do you girls want?" she asked, turning to Sora and Kairi.

"I'm a boy," Sora answered dully, not looking best pleased.

"Heh… of course," Rikku mumbled, her eyes shifty. "I… knew that… I was talking to… your freund and… myself. Yes, that's it, I was talking to myself."

"First sign of madness is talking to yourself," Axel informed her, grinning at Roxas.

Rikku didn't appear to be listening. "No, Mr Waffles, this is MY house, so give me the damned sandwich!" she argued. With… nothing. Heh.

"Rikku, can we have a word, please?" Kairi requested.

Rikku was too busy singing out the instructions of what to do in case of a fire ("And then you goooo down to the carrr paarrrrk and then you line oooop and la la la somebooody call le fire foooolk! Run little fella, yer goonna get buuurrrnnttt!") to answer, so the two six year olds looked for someone else to talk to.

Axel seemed like a good choice. They sauntered up to the side of his bed that was furthest away from Roxas. Seeing how there were only two sides (yes folks, Axel's bed is 2D!), there was a fifty-fifty chance they would end up near Sora's brother anyway. But they didn't. Hell, for six year olds they were pretty smart. Although when the other children you are comparing them to include Tidus and Demyx, the whole preschool community has almost as many geniuses as MENSA.

"Hi!" Kairi announced, prodding the redhead's inanimate shoulder.

"Hello," Axel replied, stabbing the pause button on the Gameboy with his chakrams. It burnt and sizzled up the Gameboy in the process, but hey, he hadn't been winning anyway.

"You're Axel, right?" Sora asked.

"The last time I checked," Axel answered, nodding.

"And you…" Sora paused to check Roxas was not listening, which he didn't appear to be. No change there, then. "You know Roxie from… where?"

"Struggle On Wheels competition," Axel answered without missing a beat.

"But we met you in the park!" Kairi pointed out. "And you already knew Roxie then, 'cause you told us to say hello to him, and you thought it was his ironing board that you had."

Axel's face dropped. "I don't know what you're talking about," he answered, looking back at his Gameboy. Woot! Overcooked metal! What a delightful treat…

"But you-" Sora began, but Axel cut him off.

"I _said_," Axel grimaced sternly. "I don't know what you are talking about."

Sora and Kairi were silent, and wished that Roxas _had_ been listening. He ought to know who he was making friends with.

But somebody had been listening. And she took in every word.

**O** ----- **O**

**A/N: **Don't yell at me. /lip tremble/. Axel isn't evil, but... it's complicated... **ANYWAY**, no one cares 'boot these here A/Ns so y'know... I'll be off now. But not without my custom **SONG**! Or I could be cool and sing fire instructions like Rikku. And I could direct them at Wakka. Then I wouldn't tell him to get out of the building. I would tell him to GET IN THAT DAMN FIRE AND SIT THERE LIKE A GOOD LITTLE BOY!

And... there will be a.. _small -_cough- large-cough- _small _-cough- amount of Roxas.x.SomeoneOtherThanAxel-ness in the next chapter. I could tell you who it is, but.. I really can't be bothered. I'm sure you can guess anyway. Who else is Roxas commonly paired with? But AkuRoku floof (or stuff that is supposed to be AkuRoku floof but isn't because I really can't do floof... maybe I'll enlist one of my insane AkuRoku fangirl friends to help me with that bit) will appear in chapter.. fwahaha, not telling ye! Oh, and in chapter seven something very plot-twisting shall happen! Fwahahaa! And also in chapter seven Marluxia _dances_.

Review and get a **TOENAIL**. How exciting. Much like the remnants of Axel's Gameboy. Be cool like Axel and have something pointless, kids! Three reviews fer an update. And I mean it this time. Don't just favourite/alert it and not review. Yes, I'm talking to **YOU, **0jadecat0, Abhorson, Boy Princess MOMO, Dark-Kitsune Dreams, Xenrya and WisdomSora11. I mean, this thing only has SIX reviews. You make me feel so useless -cries-

Anyway. Byee! **xx **Sequizurx **xx**


	5. o5:,Buses

**chapter five****  
buses  
**---  
Often, people like to redecorate.

Such times as these are fun-filled times, full to the brim with exciting activities for the whole family to participate in.

Back when they had first moved into their house, Tifa had spent many hours analysing colour charts to work out whether Mojito went best with City Limits or Rocking, or if Foxy alongside Vintage created too much of a clash to look becoming. Roxas simply stood there flicking through interior design magazines trying to spot the difference between ivory, champagne, cream and magnolia, and puzzling over what the hell was inside a tin labelled 'Staff Only' (probably some kind of atomic bomb that only people who proudly wore a badge claiming that they're called YUFFIE and they'll be happy to help you while you're shopping in B+Q but outside those automatic doors you're on your own, matey! could handle without accidentally dropping it and blowing up not just B+Q but the entire alphabet besides).

Leon didn't take much interest in the topic of paint and rollers, but seemed to be rather of fond of the vibrant shade of 'Uh-huh'.

And little Sora had been even littler back then, so little in fact that he was practically non-existent. He was but a large round sticky-out section of Tifa's stomach that she liked to claim was 'kicking, ooh, Leon, Leon he's _kicking_, come feel him!' to which Leon would reply 'uh-huh', and lean comfortably against a wall that had magically appeared behind him and stay there to view the ever-so-interesting event of Tifa making Roxas press his playdough-sticky hand on her belly, shrieking every time she felt little Sora kick. Often she would announce that he would grow up to be a 'proper David Beckham' (whatever _that _meant), and that Roxas would have to wear shin guards or little Sora would beat him up.

Roxas was not thrilled to learn that his new baby brother was going to be more muscular than him from his birth despite the nine-year age gap, but he figured it was only fair that at least _one_ person in the family inherited Tifa's handy butt-kicking skills instead of Leon's dependency on solid brick walls.

And because of this rather low and yet rather obvious, easy to notice and obsessively squealed over in a fangirl-ish manner level of existence, Sora was not present to help pick colours. This, of course, mean that he didn't get to see the part where Tifa accidentally smashed a wall down with a sledgehammer, although Roxas imagined that he would have liked that bit a great deal. Ah, good times, good times.

So, bringing us back to our original bulletin.

Often, people like to redecorate.

The injury ward in D.I. hospital could have done with decorating, as it was not the most attractive of places. Neither was the hospital itself. For a start, they had named it after the one thing they had hoped everyone would avoid doing: D.I.ing. Very few people knew this, but D.I. actually stood for Destiny Islands, although why Destiny Islands hospital was in Twilight Town, nobody knew that either.

It was all a big, confusing mystery that nobody could solve.

"I think that we should redecorate," Auron announced.

"Why?" Rikku asked sweetly.

"Because I just blew up one of the walls," Auron confessed sheepishly.

"Oh," Rikku blinked. "Okay!"

Did that bulletin say 'redecorate'? Whoops, typo. It _should_ have said 'blow up walls'.

Yes.

Often, people like to blow up walls.

The wall in question had previously been cream coloured and sticky like toffee. It was where they stuck Wakka when he was being annoying. Even if he was being nice they felt it necessary to stick him there solidly, usually with a little superglue for good measure, and a sprinkle itching powder (faith, trust, and itching powder!) in his already-uncomfortable hospital pyjamas so that they could watch him _squirm._

Sometimes he cried. Sometimes he whined. Sometimes, no one cared.

The orange-haired boy himself skipped into the room from outside where the explosion had thrust him, a large clump of bricks and plaster stuck to his back.

"Hey, mon!" he exclaimed, waving joyfully. "Did you know the wall has blown up, ya? And I was stuck to it, mon!"

"But are you still alive?" Auron queried.

"Ya," Wakka answered proudly.

"Damn," Auron groaned. "Rikku, get s'more itching powder! We're not done here yet!"

"Now you mention it, I think we could do with a bit of redecorating," Rikku remarked, focusing on the grey-haired cleaner's previous comment/order/notice/bulletin/chopstick/funny-shaped cupcake. Just to sprinkle a bit of variety into the delicious cake mix that already included rubble and a broadly grinning Wakka who could probably serve the same purpose as sticky-back plastic, she added, "And **I **wanna pick the wallpaper!"

"But surely that terrible burden falls onto _my_ shoulders," Auron pointed out. "After all, it was my terrible deed of death and destruction that this situation spawned from in the first place."

Rikku blinked. "Nuh-_uh_!" she exclaimed, putting her hands on her hips. "**I **wanna do the shopping!"

Auron hung his grey head in shame.

"Hmph," he grunted, and then shuffled away to do some more vacuuming.

The carpet was possibly the only part of the injury ward that was actually clean. Auron dragged an old malfunctioning Dyson over it every day, and sometimes even cleaned the bedside tables as an added bonus.

But only sometimes.

Not 'often'.

So saying '_often,_ Auron liked to clean the bedside tables', would be lying. And we all know that it is naughty to lie.

For example: Rikku saying "I am just off to the DIY store, I will be back soon with everything we need to fix that wall that Aurie blew up!" would be lying.

Unless what you needed to fix the wall included forty metres of shagpile carpet, three doorknobs and a brick.

All useless. Well, maybe the brick would help a little, but not much.

"Rikku, _you're_ useless," Axel pointed out.

Rikku scowled, and Roxas shook his head in mock sympathy.

"She's going to spit in your medicine," he informed the redhead knowingly.

"Well, I just don't understand it," Rikku sighed, shaking her head in puzzlement. "The nice lady in the store said that this would seal that hole right up."

"Why don't we go ask her?" a girl suggested. She was quite small and pale, and probably short but it was hard to tell as she was sat up in bed. She had long blonde hair cascading down her shoulders and a sweet little expression radiating from her face, which was probably buried somewhere beneath the mounds of hair. Somewhere. Over the rainbow. The rainbow of… hair…

Rikku blinked in confusion. "You mean… go _back_ to B+Q?" she gaped.

"I guess," the girl smiled. "And we could ask her again, right?"

Aside from Roxas and Axel, all the males in the room seemed enchanted by her voice. It was very sugary and pretty, like every time she opened her mouth she was spitting glitter and glow-sticks.

"Okay!" Rikku chirruped. "I'll be off, then! Cheerioooo!"

"Ahem. Do you not think it wise to take somebody else with you?" Auron suggested gruffly. "To supervise your spending and double check your purchases?"

Rikku pondered for a moment. "Nope!" she finished. "I can do it myself."

"I'll go with you, if you like," the blonde girl offered. "I'm Naminé. I _like_ shopping, and I need to pick up a few things anyway."

Rikku narrowed her eyes at the girl, as if trying to work out her motives. After a small while of putting the mind-reading laser-vision she had acquired into practice, she eventually decided that the girl had no hidden agenda, and purely wanted to go shopping.

"Okay!" she grinned. "Anyone else want to come?"

"I'll go!" Roxas volunteered. Whether he wanted to get out of the manky hospital or actually gave a damn about the paint, bricks and superglue no one was sure, but they didn't give a damn about that either. They had more pressing concerns, like new ways to injure/kill/torture/cause some form of bodily harm to Wakka. Damn him.

"Oh, hi, Roxas," Naminé smiled. "I heard you had broken your arm, but I had no idea you were in here!"

Roxas opened his mouth to spout something that was probably very witty and would make the blonde girl giggle and hit him playfully, but was interrupted by a certain redhead.

"Yeah, well, obviously he is," Axel sighed dully. "And I'll come too, seeing how this dump isn't getting anymore interesting," he added, not wanting to miss out on going somewhere with his 'new buddy'.

He wasn't sure, but he thought he saw a flicker of a smile on the blond boy's face. Or maybe Roxas was just looking at Naminé's white nightdress, which he had just noticed was super-short. But he probably already knew that, seeing how they seemed to know each other, from... somewhere. He would have to ask later. Once he was done trying to convince Roxas that Naminé was trash, and not worth talking to.

**O** ----- **O**

"We've been waiting here exactly thirty-seven, one thousand and eight hundred and forty nine million trillion nano-milliseconds," Rikku proclaimed.

"I doubt that," Axel replied flatly, not looking up from the roof of the bus shelter. So yes, he _was_ looking up. But he didn't shift his gaze to suit the crazed blonde, he _continued _looking up. He didn't start gazing again in a different direction. If you get the gist, please, stop reading three sentences ago.

"So, why does the bus come at thirty-_eight_ past and not just plain half past?" Naminé queried, stroking a neatly manicured finger down the timetable plastered to a nearby lamppost.

Lacking in handy public-transport trivia, Roxas had no answer, so he settled for fluttering his eyelashes at the girl. Instead of turning misty and soft, Axel observed that the blond boy's eyes became creepy and glazed over, freakish-bald-doll style.

Despite the fact that Roxas's dumbstruck expression was politically incorrect and did not match the dreamy gazes of all the couples in the chick-flicks he had been forced to view by his sister, Axel still felt a little jealous that Roxas was at least attempting to look loved up, and so decided it necessary to put a stop to the ridiculous infatuation.

"Actually, Naomi, I think what you want to ask is if the freakin' bus is gonna fuckin' come at all," Axel smirked. Ah, the wit, the wit, it kills me.

"It's Naminé," Naminé corrected. "And of course it will come. Why wouldn't it?"

She pouted, and Axel scowled. Damn her little angelic cherub-like face, it made him feel bad for disliking her.

"Say, I don't know," Axel shrugged with mock confusion. "Could be underpaid staff initiating a national strike, a flat tyre, malfunctioning engine, psychotic rebellious steering wheel, self-extended coffee break…"

Naminé raised her eyebrows. "The only psychotic thing around here is Rikku, and she's not a crucial car part," she pointed out.

The three of them chose to ignore the nee-naw noises their supposed nurse was making as she charged up and down the street waving a flashy traffic light she had apparently ripped from the ground in each hand.

How she graduated from medical school was beyond all of them.

"The bus is here!" Roxas announced, awaking from his stalker-like stupor.

The four of them watched as the old malfunctioning vehicle trundled down the road and pulled up beside them. Well, three watched, one began performing a cheerleading routine with large traffic lights as pom poms.

"'Ere you, get the 'ell off my bus!"

"But… we're not even on it yet…" Roxas objected.

The driver glared at them.

"Yer, well get on then," he grimaced.

"Dad?" Naminé asked in surprise as she stepped onto the bus.

"Yer, prob'lehh," the driver grunted.

Naminé frowned. "What are you doing here?" she questioned.

Cid shrugged lazily. "Dunno," he murmured. "S'my turn to look after Sam and Jill, innit?"

"Sam and Jill?" Naminé repeated questionably, and then peered down to the other end of the bus.

"Sora! Kairi!" Roxas exclaimed as he spotted the two six year olds over Naminé's shoulder.

"What, you just dump them on a bus and drive around town all day?" Naminé gaped. "They're just kids, they'll get bored!"

"You ain't borrrred, are ya, kids? You like sitting on the _floor_ and looking at the_ chair_. Or the other way round heh heh heh!" Cid called down the bus at the pair. He might have gotten away with his obviously careless attitude in that circumstance if he had been yelling at the right people.

An innocent little child buried his frightened face in his mother's blouse.

"Dad, I think you should stop driving now," Naminé informed her father firmly.

"What? Why?" Cid grunted.

"You're in no fit state to drive," she answered matter-of-factly.

"Yerrrrr but it's my shift inniiiit?" he pointed out, chewing on the stick in his mouth. "You, my little computer mechaannnissmm, you're toooo young to drive."

Naminé bit her lip.

"Yes, but I'm not," Axel stepped forward. "I've got my driver's license. I'll take over, if you like, sir."

Cid didn't seem to care much, so stumbled from his seat and out of the door.

"Maybe I should make sure he gets home…" Naminé mumbled.

Roxas looked up. "Yeah, I'll walk you. C'mon, Sora, Kairi," he called, at the right people this time.

The two six year olds rose from their seats and began to make their way down the aisle. Several elderly people began to groan.

"Can we get the bus going, please, pets?" one old woman snapped. "Some of us have places to be!"

"Just a second, ma'am, we apologise," Axel nodded politely, then slotted into the driver's seat.

"Bye, Axel," Roxas finished.

Axel looked up from his examination of the gears and whatnot.

"What?" he frowned. "You're leaving?"

"Well, yeah," Roxas shrugged as if stating the obvious. "I have to walk Naminé home; look at the state her dad's in."

"No, Roxie, it's fine, really," Naminé interrupted, but sniffed a little for dramatic effect. "I've got the kids, unless you'd rather take them?"

"We can look after ourselves, you know," Sora pointed out.

"Yah, we're not _invalids_," Kairi chimed in.

"I know you're not, sweetie, but you want to make sure daddy's okay, don't you?" Naminé smiled weakly at her little sister. "I think we should go now," she apologised to the two boys. Rikku was still outside doing a merry dance and not available for goodbyes.

Roxas and Naminé made to leave the bus.

"Wait!" Axel yelled. "I don't know the way, or where any of the stops are! You can't leave me!"

Rikku leapt onto the bus. "That's where Super-Rikku comes in!" she proclaimed, grinning freakishly. "Don't worry about your dad, Nami. I'll make sure he gets home. I'm a fully-qualified nurse, after all."

"Are you sure?" Naminé asked anxiously. "I don't want to be any trouble."

Rikku sighed and shook her head. "No, you're not the trouble, your dad is!" she pointed out.

"Subtle, real subtle, Rikku," Axel muttered.

"Okay, so you have fun, kids!" Rikku grinned, then linked arms with Cid and waved as Axel jerkily drove the bus away.

"Hurry up, young man!" the old woman snapped again, swatting vaguely at the redhead in the driver's seat. "It's OAP's day at Twilight Town Linedancing School!"

**O** ----- **O**

**A/N: **Yay! Another chapter complete. And I am updating exactly a week after the last update. So nanahahahaaa.Or some other random noise that makes me sound cocky and self-conceited.

Four reviews for an update, and if you review you get a Super-Rikku-brand traffic light. Ripped fresh from the ground, still flashing until you wave it around in public and get it smashed by some yobs. We all know how that feels... /sniffle/ I LOVE YOU HUBERT!


	6. o6:,IrrelevantCrickets

**chapter six  
irrelevant crickets**

---

The rickety old bus pulled up outside the linedancing school, and several old ladies hopped out.

There were no free spaces, so Axel parked the bus in one of the no-parking spots, crossing his fingers and praying that he would get off without a ticket.

Obviously, with Axel as the driver, the act of parking the bus involved nearly hitting a tree and breaking all the windows, but nobody really noticed that, as they were all too busy thinking about themselves.

**Axel **had hit his face numerous times on the steering wheel as a result of his awful driving. He had also almost lost one of his oversized arms by hanging it out of the open window (and shouting 'wooohooohooohooo!' as all teenage males feel obliged to do when driving at full speed with the wind in their hair) just as they drew near a truck that nearly lopped it off as it shot past. Not to mention that he had been banged about so much that it was clear that if his blood-red hair were really what it appeared, that poor old porcupine on top of his head would be dead (Or something like that, except not rhyming. Because rhyming sentences ruin everything by sounding comical and cheery. Damn them).

**Naminé **had been batted back and forth like a tennis ball between two chairs as the bus jolted and jittered. Her neat blonde hair could now only be called a bird's nest, and her once clean white dress had become dotted with faded pink and grey pieces of chewing gum from under one of the seats, where she had become lodged about halfway into the journey.

**Roxas** looked slightly better off upon first inspection, but the others soon found out that all his bruises were on his arms, which had been pinned tightly to his sides for the duration of the ride and were now a mottled shade of purple.

**Kairi **had gotten lucky and managed to cling tightly onto the back of a chair, so the only injury she had was a bleeding nose from all the bumping around that made her head move in a mosher-like nod, thus banging onto the back of said chair.

**Sora**, being the clever child that he was, had deflected all windows/chairs/walls/lifeless bodies/life-FULL bodies/air thrown at him with his Keyblade, and kicked them with his oversized feet for good measure. The only injury he sported was a stubbed toe, the poor soul.

**The old ladies** had fared much better than any of the three teenagers or two younger kids. In fact, none of them had sustained as much as a hint of damage on their wrinkled persons, and left the bus not scarred in the slightest.

"Your driving is awful," proclaimed the grouchy woman who had been complaining the entire journey. "Yobs! _Yobs_! Common scummy yobby mc_yobs_!"

Axel blinked, then waited until everybody had left before stabbing a button that closed the door, and then escaped out of the driver's door himself.

Roxas, Naminé, Sora and Kairi were waiting outside on the tarmac for him.

"Well," Naminé began, attempting to brighten the mood. "That was a… fun ride…"

Axel scowled at her.

"So, Axel," Roxas muttered, glaring irritably at the older boy. "When you said you could drive, you were lying, right?"

Axel shrugged. "Well, yeah," he replied sheepishly. "You didn't really _believe_ me, did you?"

The other four glared at him menacingly, plotting out various ways to murder him and hide the body.

**O** ----- **O**

"Wow," Roxas murmured a little later, once Axel had been successfully gagged, tied to a tree and covered over with a large white sheet with a bright red cross painted on it. If that didn't teach him a lesson when a bunch of seven-year-old archery fanatics came along, they didn't know what would.

Well, no, that had been their original plan, but Axel had managed to worm his way out of it by complimenting their ideas but suggesting that Wakka would be a much better victim to unleash their fantastic plot on.

And, needless to say, they all agreed unanimously.

And so the journey continued. The five ventured towards B+Q, which they soon found to be the very same linedancing school the old ladies had sounded so keen on.

If the giant sign tacked over the 'B+Q' was anything to go by, 'marlys lin dansing scool ere' was the hip-hop-happenin' place to be if you were a middle-aged woman trying to be cool and wear short skirts and cowgirl boots, all as part of a devious plot to get 'down wiv da kids innit'.

"I don't get it," Sora announced. "Is it _actually_ a linedancing school, or has someone just put that sign there for no reason?"

"I do not know," Kairi answered certainly. "There must be a reason, if there is none."

"Of course, of course," Sora agreed. "Roxie?"

"Yes?" Roxas muttered.

"Have you seen my paper hat?"

Having never laid eyes on his younger sibling's aforementioned headwear, he answered in the negative, then turned to Axel in hope of embarking in more productive conversation.

"Well," he began importantly. "What do you we do now?"

Axel, noticing that this question was directed at him specifically, shrugged his shoulders and turned back to looking at the sign, which obviously had him enraptured.

"Naminé?" Roxas prompted, hoping the blonde had something more useful to say.

"…Yes?" she mumbled unwillingly.

"Any ideas?"

Naminé thought for a moment.

"We could always… go in…?" she suggested, her eyebrows arched critically.

"That _does_ seem like the obvious choice," Kairi agreed.

"_Exactly_," Sora hissed conspiricially. "That's what they _want_ us to do."

"Hey!" Axel exclaimed suddenly. "You don't think they mean 'Marly' as in 'Marluxia', do you?"

Naminé tipped her head to one side. "Marluxia?" she repeated. "The secretary at D.I. hospital?"

"Yeah, maybe," Axel murmured thoughtfully. "Shall we go and see?"

Roxas wrinkled his nose. "What, go in just to see some random pink-haired chick?"

"Guy," Axel corrected.

"He has _pink hair_," Roxas pointed out.

"Good point," Axel agreed. "And no, not just to see Marly. It might turn out to be a DIY store after all, and we still need all that paint and plaster and rollers and crap."

"True, true," Roxas nodded. "Okay, then. Let's go."

The redhead and the blond began to walk towards the large store, soon followed reluctantly by Kairi, Naminé and Sora.

As they approached the doors, they expected them to slide gracefully open as all automatic doors do.

It appeared that these doors were not automatic doors.

Nursing his crushed face, Roxas leant against one of the doors and pushed, thus sliding it open.

"Ladies first," he muttered bitterly at Axel, who took up this invitation kindly and glided through in a rather feminine manner, and then grabbed Roxas's wrist and pulled him through too.

"Uh, ow," Roxas snapped, snatching his arm away.

The five walked inside a little further, taking in their surroundings. The room was large and white, as big stores often are, with shiny linoleum on the floor that Sora and Kairi took off their shoes and slid across, giggling cheerily, while Roxas, Naminé and Axel peered around some more and tried to locate 'Marly'.

The ceiling was very high, and lots of long bars of light flooded down onto the room. There were multiple shelves and display cases everywhere, but they were all empty and gathering dust. The only clue which looked remotely promising was the badly written note pinned by the doorway which proclaimed that 'Marlys lin dansing it uppstars'.

"I think…" Sora began thoughtfully. "They mean that they are all out of shoeboxes."

"Or that their mothers are so obese they use the equators as belts," Kairi offered.

Naminé frowned at her little sister. "Kairi! That's not a very nice thing to say!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah, everyone knows there's only _one_ equator," Axel smirked, nudging Roxas, who sniggered slightly.

Both of the younger children tipped their heads to one side innocently, blinking in a chibi-like manner.

"But... that's what it says," Sora pointed out, indicating towards the sign that now clearly read 'we are all out of shoobockses cuz yo momma is so fat she uses da eecwater as a belt LOL.'

"What the-"

"It's a... **magical sign**!" Axel proclaimed sarcastically. "Now let's go upstairs. Where the heck's Marluxia?"

Roxas rolled his eyes. "What do you think we've been _trying_ to find out?" he enquired.

"I don't know and I don't care," Axel retorted flatly.

"'Scuse me, chaps," a supposedly 'hip' woman muttered as she pushed past Axel and Roxas, her high-heeled cowboy boots crunching down on their toes. "Ah, and chapettes," she added, noticing the two girls.

"What about me!?" Sora protested. "Don't I get a title beginning with 'chap'?"

The woman surveyed Sora for a minute, and the rest of the group surveyed her in return. She was short, stout and had a puckered-up face that resembled a prune or somebody who was sucking a lemon. So either way, there was healthy, nutritious _fruit_ involved.

"I don' think so, sonny," she answered, her chin sticking out. "But don' feel hard done by. My granddaughter Mulan never got one either."

Sora perked up a little after this, then asked. "Well, anyway, do _you_ know where Marluxia is? 'Cause Axel doesn't even though he's 'sposed to 'cause he hijacked the bus and nearly killed us all except me and some other people."

"Yes... _yes_..." the woman mumbled absently. "It all begins with a tuba... a tuba that looks like a sandwich... have a cricket, dears!"

She plunged her wrinkled hand into her baggy blue pocket, and when she pulled it out again, she was holding a small wooden cage. Ah, the mysteries of pockets.

"Is it lucky?" Naminé queried.

The old woman frowned, her brow wrinkling so heavily it looked as if her skin was going to fall straight off her face. "No," she snorted. "It's just a useless old cricket. What the 'ell am I gonna do with it?"

Axel raised an eyebrow. "Well... what are _we_ going to do with it?" he enquired.

The woman shrugged. "Don't know, don't care," she declared, and promptly proceded up a spiral staircase that had apparently appeared out of nowhere.

"Aw, isn't it cute?" Kairi cooed, prodding the small, grumpy-looking blue bug leaning lazily against one of the bars of his cage.

"Who cares, let's get us some paint and brushes and haul ass outta this shithole!" Axel commanded. "I'd say our best bet is to start upstairs."

Roxas rolled his eyes. "Well, no shit, sherlock," he muttered.

"Actually, there's an awful _lot_ of shit around this place," the redhead pointed out. "All these grey-haired chicks, for a start..."

"Axel, that's so ageist," Naminé sighed.

"Shall we go upstairs or not? The hospital will be getting worried about us," Roxas prompted.

Axel shrugged carelessly. "Actually, I don't think they really give a flying fuck, but whatever," he replied flatly. "But if you think it'll help if we go upstairs, then fine, go ahead, nobody's going to stop you."

Roxas frowned slightly. "Well, you suggested it too!" he pointed out indignantly.

"Oh, for crying out loud!" Naminé groaned, and began to trudge up the steps at a quick but heavy pace. Once she was up three steps, she turned and tipped her head at them. "See, no great peculiarity. Can you hurry up already, please?"

"Yeah, you are sooooooooooooo silly," Kairi added, rolling her big chibi-like eyes at the two older males, hands on her hips.

"Honestly guys, _not_ cool," Sora tutted, and followed his best friend and her sister upstairs.

Roxas and Axel glimpsed at each other, their faces stern.

"Well, _I'm_ not going up there," Axel declared. "The day I take orders from two five year olds is the day hell freezes over."

And with those final words of wisdom, a slumped to the floor and leant against a nearby wall that had seemingly appeared there purely for his convenience.

Roxas pondered for a moment. "Well, they're six actually, but I know what you mean," he agreed, and plonked himself down next to the redhead, who was eyeing him with a somewhat smug expression on his face.

**O **-----** O**

**A/N: **welllp... it took me... somewhat a long time to update. so ums, yeah, sorry about that. but anybody who REALLY cared about this fic would have pm'd me to complain about the lack of updates, and i didn't get no complaints, which must mean that i am brilliant and you should feed me lots of reviews. -wink-


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